


When I Wake My Poor Heart Pains

by darkangel86



Series: My Sunshine [9]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Friendship, M/M, Platonic bed sharing, Worried Simon Lewis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 05:33:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10984404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkangel86/pseuds/darkangel86
Summary: “Alec?” Simon's voice startled Alec, causing him to jump and drop the mug of coffee he'd been attempting to hold, despite his shaking hands. “Shit, I'm sorry!” He rushed, darting around Alec to clean up the broken mess before the Shadowhunter could hurt himself.





	When I Wake My Poor Heart Pains

**Author's Note:**

> This one is a little more Alec-centric whereas the others as more focused on Simon but someone wanted something focused more on what Alec deals with depression wise and I thought that fit this series perfectly. I also based Alec's feelings and explanations on how my depression and anxiety makes me feel, in case anyone wants to know.

As much as Alec tried, and he'd argue that he maybe he hadn't tried hard enough because he was sure he could try harder, he couldn't shake the feeling that he'd woken up with. It wasn't a bad feeling, thank the angels but it wasn't a good feeling either. It just felt... wrong. He felt wrong. He felt tense, nervous, nauseous. His hands shook as he tried to pour himself a cup of coffee and Alec clenched his jaw tightly. It had been weeks since he'd last felt this sense of unprecedented uneasiness about something. Not for anyone else and not exactly for himself but it was still there. This little voice in the back of his head telling him how wrong he was, how he didn't deserve what he had, how the people that claimed to love him really didn't. Alec knew it was nonsense but he couldn't stop the thoughts from filling his head.

“Alec?” Simon's voice startled Alec, causing him to jump and drop the mug of coffee he'd been attempting to hold, despite his shaking hands. “Shit, I'm sorry!” He rushed, darting around Alec to clean up the broken mess before the Shadowhunter could hurt himself.

“Its, its fine, Simon,” Alec said with a sigh as he bent down to help pick up the broken glass.

“I didn't mean to sneak up on you. I uh, said your name a couple times but it looked like you were a million miles away. Everything okay, dude?” He asked, genuinely concerned.

“I'm fine. Just tired.” Alec mumbled as he stood to throw away the glass shards he's picked up. “I think I'm just going to head back to bed. Could you tell Jace I don't think I'm going to make it in to the Institute today?” He asked and sidestepped Simon, not waiting for the vampire to reply. Simon watched him go with a frown. Something wasn't right.

&&

“Yeah, uh, I'm thinking it might be a good idea if you came home.” Simon said to Jace over the phone. Standing outside Magnus' bedroom and looking in, Simon couldn't help the nervous fidgeting he was currently battling.

“What? Why? Are you okay?” Jace asked in a hurry, his voice going from calm and casual to on alert in a split second.

“I'm fine, Jace, I promise. Its uh, its Alec.” Simon said, sighing as he stepped away from the doorway to lean back against the wall. “He's in bed.”

“And I need to know that why exactly?” Jace asked, suddenly sounding uninterested. 

“Something's not right, Jace. He's acting weird. He wanted me to call you and tell you he wasn't coming to the Institute today and he looked really pale when I found him in the kitchen. He was just standing there, looking like he was a million miles away. I scared him and he dropped his cup of coffee and I swear, his hands were shaking when he bent down to pick up the broken glass.” Simon said in a hurry, biting at his bottom lip as he continued to nervously shift from one foot to the other.

“And he's back in bed now?” Jace asked and Simon could tell his boyfriend was worried.

“Yeah. He uh, Jace if I didn't know any better I'd say he's on the verge of his own panic attack. Maybe an anxiety one.” Simon glanced around the doorway and back into the room, watching as Alec seemed to burrow further into the blankets on the bed. "I've never seen Alec like this before."

“Where's Magnus?” Jace asked and Simon could hear him moving around quickly wherever he was at.

“Popped out to Rome, I think. Should I call him?” He asked and Jace sighed.

“Give me time to get there and see if I can get Alec to talk to me. If he won't then yeah, we'll call Magnus. I'm on my way home now.” Jace said and with a soft goodbye, Simon disconnected the call. “Alec?” Simon called out as he stepped into the room. On the bed, Alec shifted around in an attempt to turn his back on Simon.

“Go away.” Alec mumbled, his voice sounding broken and Simon wasted no time in climbing onto the bed, pulling the blanket back from Alec's face. Seeing tear in his friends eyes shocked Simon enough that he didn't hesitate to pull Alec into his arms. He froze, moving back, afraid that he'd overstepped his bounds.

“I'm sorry!” Simon exclaimed. “Personal space, I know but you look like you could use a hug. Can I hug you?” He asked, once again biting at his lip as he waited for Alec to answer. The second Alec nodded his consent Simon was back on him, gathering him into his arms and holding him tight. “What's wrong? What can I do?” He asked in a flurry of words.

“I don't, I don't know,” Alec admitted, his breath hitching in his throat. “I just, I feel weird. I feel wrong. It doesn't make sense, in my head.” He gestured at his head and Simon watched as more tears began to fill his eyes. 

“Okay. Its okay, Alec. Its fine.” Simon said as he tried to sooth his friend.

“Its not, its not, Simon! I don't know what's wrong! I just know I feel weird. My head hurts and my chest feels tight and everything is just screaming at me that I'm wrong, wrong, wrong. That I'm not worth it, that no one really cares and I knows that's not true! I know its not but I can't stop these stupid thoughts from coming into my head and I don't know why! I don't know how to stop it!” Alec exclaimed as he pushed himself out of Simon's arms and into a sitting position on the bed.

“Okay, Alec, it sounds like maybe you're having an anxiety attack. Uh, what can I do for you? What do you need?” Simon asked, worry clearly written on his face.

“Can you... Magnus. Magnus said if I ever felt like this again that I could talk to him,” Alec admitted, sadly. “I know he's working but I want him here. Please. Can you call him?” He asked and Simon's heart broke.

“Yes, yes! I can call Magnus. I can! And Jace, he's on his way home-”

“Nope, I'm here.” Jace said as he rushed into the room, one hand clearly covering his Parabatai rune. “And I already called Magnus. He'll be here-”

“Now. I'm here.” Magnus said as he rushed into the room, moving instantly past Jace and climbing onto the bed. Alec instantly fell into Magnus' arms, wrapping his own around the warlock's waist and burying his face in his lovers' side. “Alexander, shh, shh. Its okay. I'm here and you're okay. Just tell me what you need. Tell me what I can do.”

“I don't, I don't know,” Alec said, his face still pressed into Magnus' side. “I just don't feel good, Magnus.”

Magnus' heart broke. Carding his hand through Alec's hair, he wracked his brain for something he could possibly do to help his lover. He'd dealt with his own forms of depression and anxiety plenty in his four hundred years so he understood the not knowing what you needed, or the not knowing exactly what was wrong to begin with.

“What can we do for you, darling? Anything?” Magnus eventually asked, his voice soft as he spoke.

“Can you just, can you lay with me?” Alec asked, finally moving back enough so that he could look up into Magnus' eyes.

“Of course. Of course, darling.” Magnus said, snapping his fingers and changing himself into something more comfortable. 

“We'll be down the hall if you guys need anything,” Simon said, moving backward out of the room.

“Stay. All of you.” Alec said, sitting up and looking from Simon to Jace. “I don't, I don't want to be alone. I don't want to talk but I don't want to be alone. Can you stay? Please?” He asked and Magnus didn't hesitate to snap his fingers and change them both into something more comfortable as well.

“Yeah, Alec. We'll stay. We won't leave you.” Jace said, offering his brother a crocked smile as he climbed into the bed behind Simon, who was already halfway clung to Alec's side.

“I know you said you don't want to talk and that's fine, I totally get that but is it okay if I talk for a minute?” Simon asked, breathing a sigh of relief when Alec nodded his okay. “I don't know exactly what's going on in your head, Alec, but I get the not knowing thing. And its frustrating and dumb because it makes no sense so yeah, I get that. But dude, please don't ever think you're alone in any of this, okay? Because you are absolutely not. You've got Magnus and you've got Jace but Alec, I swear to you, I will always be here for you too, okay? You've helped me more in the last few weeks than you probably know and I am eternally grateful to you and for you.” Simon did his best not to cry but it was a close call.

Alec shifted, rolling over out of Magnus' arms enough that he could wrap one around Simon and pull the vampire against him.

“Thank you.” Alec whispered and Simon sagged in relief.

“I think it goes without saying,” Magnus started. “But I'm going to say it anyway. Alexander, I am so proud of you for asking for help. Even if it was just asking for someone to stay with you so you're not alone. That takes a lot, darling, and I am proud of you.”

“Yeah, man. What they both said.” Jace added from his spot beside of Simon. “We're always here for you. Even if you don't know what's wrong and even if you think you might be bothering us, don't hesitate to call one of us. I swear to you, we'll be wherever you are as fast as we can be.”

Alec might still not understand why he felt the way he did and maybe he never would but it helped to know he wasn't alone. Alec thanked all the angels above for his lover, his Parabatai and the vampire that had somehow ended up meaning more to him than he'd known possible. These three were his friends, his family and Alec knew he was blessed. That was the last thought that crossed Alec's mind as he drifted off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> You guys continue to overwhelm me with such awesome comments and so many kudos! Thank you for much for all the love!! :)


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